Petra's Struggle
by Goth Albino Angel
Summary: Ender left to save a cocoon. Petra was left with the guilt and heartbreak of his departure. Now, we see how Petra deals with being unable to see her love until he returns. Her self doubt, her pain, her anger... the inside of Petra's heart is revealed. Ender/Petra. Based heavily off the movie.
1. Chapter 1

**_Alright, so I am definitely obsessed with Ender's Game, most specifically, I am obsessed with Petra Arkanian. She is beautiful and intelligent and man I hate how the book portrays her (and any of the other kids for that matter). So, I've decided to explore how the others, mainly Petra, cope with Ender's departure at the end of the movie. _**

**_Before you read, there are a few things I do need to tell you. Yes, I have changed a few things (even though most of it could still be considered canon according to what the movie did show). No, I don't care if you don't like the changes. Yes, I have explored Petra in the form of a traumatized girl. No, I don't care if you think I'm making her appear too soft._**

**_Now, by all means… enjoy the chapter._**

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**_Petra's POV_**

An entire species. I helped to destroy an entire species. And what if there were others on that planet too? I helped to annihilate them as well. I turned to Ender in shock, the weight of Graff's words not quite hitting me yet. His blue eyes stared back at me, the shock reflected in the bright blue orbs. As Ender turned and strode from the room, I looked once more at the ruined planet, the smoldering remains of a civilization. And I had shot it. One blow had annihilated the entire thing.

I lowered my head, hearing Ender scream at Graff in outrage. My heart was pounding in my ears, I could feel it against my ribcage. The other boys in the army probably reflected how I was feeling. I moved to stand in the doorway as I watched Ender argue with Colonel Graff. He looked heartbroken. I moved forward with the other Dragons behind me, watching Ender get sedated.

Staying with him as he dreamed, my eyes traveled his face. It was serene, calm. I felt a set of tears come to my eyes at the knowledge that he will only ever look like this in his sleep again. After this battle, none of us would be able to look this… weightless ever again. The impact of the Formics' destruction will affect all of us.

I was lost in thought, replaying the battle over and over again in my head when Ender suddenly mumbled in his sleep. "Valentine?" I wondered whether he was dreaming about his sister. He told me about her a few times, but not much. I was contemplating whether to wake him or not when he shot up in bed and leaped away, running for the exit.

I rolled my eyes at his sudden stupidity and grabbed two air packs, running after him and ordering him to breathe. "Go back, Petra." He ordered me.

"No." I couldn't let him do this alone. I refused to.

"Go back. I have to do this alone." He turned and strode toward the castle. I watched him go, wondering if he was truly serious about going alone. Whether he was serious or not, I wasn't leaving this spot until he returned and if that took more than half an hour, I was following after him.

When Ender returned from inside the strange castle ruins, I stood from where I had sat down to wait. He was carrying a bundle with him, wrapped in a blanket and I gave him a confused look. He shook his head at me and we returned to the base in silence. I was about to break away from him and head to my own quarters, when Ender touched my shoulder and motioned for me to follow him.

Once in the safety of his room, he slowly unwrapped part of the bundle and showed me what was inside. It took me a few moments, but when I realized what was inside of the blanket, I nearly burst into tears with happiness. We hadn't killed them all. There was still a queen left from the Formics.

I glanced up at Ender and noticed the stormy look in his eyes, my smile falling. "How will we take care of her?" I asked quietly.

"I'm not sure yet." He replied softly. "But I'm going to make sure she stays safe."

I nodded and returned to the temporary bunk room to find the other boys already sleeping. I shook my head, knowing I wasn't getting much sleep tonight. Still, I slipped into my bed and drifted off, thankful for a reprieve from the real world for a few short hours.

Once we all had a debriefing of the battle, to which none of us said a word, we all returned to the main Fleet ship almost immediately. The majority of us were led to the bunk room for Dragon Army, but Ender turned and moved to his own room, taking the concealed egg with him.

"Awarding ceremony in two hours!" Sergeant Dap called to all of us, his voice not as rough or loud as it usually is.

"Yes sir." I replied along with the others, sitting on my bunk with a sigh. The boys moved around me, getting themselves reacquainted with the room and their old surroundings. I didn't bother getting reacquainted. My bed had been near the front to begin with so I figured I might as well simply stare at the wall.

Laying back on the bed, I closed my eyes to try to get some quick rest before the award ceremony. However, as soon as they closed, my eyes flew back open. I couldn't close them. Every time I closed my eyes, the smoldering planet presented itself vividly to my sight. And not just that, but images that I didn't see. Formics, all ages and sizes, being torn to pieces thanks to the blast the MD had let off. Their burning faces rushed at me in the darkness of my own eyelids and I couldn't take it.

Sighing again, I stood and made my way out into the hall, walking alone for a bit to try clearing my head. I arrived at the infirmary, noting that it was the first place I had tried to show Ender true comfort. Before then, it was friendly comfort over being picked on and beat up. But here… after Bonzo's attack on him… I had wanted to cradle and hold him, to make him feel better.

Fighting the tears that threatened to come to my eyes, I refused to let them fall as I made my way back to the bunk room. I avoided the eyes of the boys, knowing they would be curious as to what I had been doing. I didn't feel like answering their questions. Lying on my bed, I stared up at the bunk above me and waited until ten minutes before the ceremony. Ender walked in and called out to all of us. We all stood at attention, facing him expectantly. He stared at us, saying nothing with his mouth, but everything with his eyes. We were his five leaders, the only five people in all the world who knew how it felt to be him, who could relate to him and empathize with him. Turning, he motioned for us to follow him.

Walking through the corridor quietly, we arrived to the largest classroom on the ship. Here, there were several thousand cameras aimed at us, Dragon Army, the defeaters of the Formics. Ender held up five fingers and pointed forward before waving with his other hand. It was a clear signal: the five leaders follow me and the rest of you sit somewhere. Dink, Bernard, Alai, Bean and I followed close behind Ender as cheers and applause from the entire ship, the whole Fleet. As I stepped onstage and saw their cheerful faces, I felt sick to my stomach. Dink moved slightly behind me and put a hand on my back so that no one could see.

We all stood on the stage, facing the crowd of cheering people. All of the soldiers were happy for us. Happy that we had killed, destroyed, annihilated. But they didn't know that. They just knew we had saved them. But they didn't need to be saved. I tried to keep my face composed for the cameras as Colonel Graff, Mazer Rackham and Sergeant Dap began walking forward.

Dap was in charge of holding the awards while Rackham put them on us and Graff did the announcement. When they stepped onstage, the crowd grew quiet and Graff began speaking. "Today is a great day in history for earth. The impending threat of a Formic attack has been stopped in its tracks by the six people standing on this stage. Thanks to the commander and five segment leaders of Dragon Army, the Formics have now been defeated permanently. Today, the International Fleet would like to recognize these six brave young soldiers and reward them for their services to their planet."

They walked to Bernard, who was at the end of the line, next to Bean and Alai. "To Bernard, we award Honorary Soldier, Second Class, for his outstanding work in the second Formic Battle." Bernard allowed the pin to be put on his uniform. Once Dap had moved on, Bernard stared down at it in disgust for a few seconds before composing his face.

The trio moved on to Alai, who was next. "To Alai, we also award Honorary Soldier Second Class for his cool headed thinking under the stress of the second Formic Battle." Alai nodded to them and once Dap moved on, he turned his head away from the cameras to conceal his disgust. Well, he was still slightly more subtle than Bernard.

After Alai came Bean. He was still the shortest of all of us, but he seemed to be the one standing the tallest, holding all our weight on his shoulders to support us, to seem strong for us. "To Bean, we give him Honorary Soldier First Class for improvisational attacks and keeping steady control of his command ships during the second Formic Battle." Bean nodded, keeping himself in check, but I could see it in his eyes. He didn't want that award any more than the rest of us.

Then it was time for Dink. "To Dink Meeker, we give the Honorary Soldier First Class for staying calm in the face of battle and keeping control of his command ships when ordered to make the drones abandon them for the greater cause." Dink glared at Graff and Mazer, nodding his head respectfully to Dap.

Now it was my turn. What award would I get and why? Am I getting first class because of my impeccable shooting ability? For being the one to shoot the ending fire? For being the only girl?

"To Petra Arkanian, we give the award for Honor, Bravery, Strength and Skill First Class for her precision and tactics when handling the largest gun the military has ever known, her ability to aim carefully in order to shoot the ending fire in the second Formic Battle and her ability to keep herself under control knowing that she was the very one who wiped out the enemy. She shall receive the medallion, command of whichever Army she wishes, her choice of soldiers and her own miniature version of the MD500."

The medal was put on my neck and I felt faint. They were wrong. I'm not under control, not on the inside. I'm a mess inside because of what they've done to me, what they've made me do. I kept my head bowed after the medal was placed on me, unable to look up at the cameras. I felt them move on to Ender and I slowly lifted my head a little to watch him receive his poison.

"We are proud to award the rank of admiral and commander of the entire fleet to Ender Wiggin." Applause rang throughout the room, hundreds of people cheering for the award. Dink, Bernard, Alai, Bean and I simply stood by his side. We didn't clap because we knew Ender would not want us to. Bernard and Dink glared at Graff, Alai and Bean glared at Rackham, I watched Ender closely. I noticed that he simply kept a straight face, even when Graff shook his hand and gave him the badge.

When the ceremony was over with, Graff tried to talk all of us into doing a battle against Rat Army, but we all simply glared at him and turned to Ender. He shook his head and walked off. Graff nodded and turned for his office. The others continued on to the dormitory. I stood there for a moment, watching Ender walk into his room.

I was about to leave when he walked back out seconds later with a bundle in his arms. He began walking quickly in the direction of the deployment ships. "Ender?" I called, but he didn't turn and continued walking, turning the corner and disappearing from sight.

I felt my heart seize as a bad feeling entered my stomach. Running after him, I found him setting up a ship to launch. He couldn't be doing this. Please don't let him be doing this. "Ender!" I shouted after him, running after him and skidding to a stop in front of the ship he was deploying. "Ender!"

"Petra." I saw the decision in his eyes as he turned to me. He was leaving. He was leaving us, leaving me.

"Ender-." He handed me something before I could get any further. Glancing down at my hand, I found the commander's badge for Dragon Army in my grasp. "What…"

"You're in command of Dragon Army now." Ender told me softly. "I'm giving you my ranks."

"Why?" I looked up at him in confusion and felt my heart tighten at the resolve in his eyes.

"I have something important I need to do and it's going to be a while before I return."

No. No, he couldn't do this to me. "Ender, please don't go."

"I have to Petra." He sighed. "I have a promise to keep."

"But will you be back?" I asked hopefully.

Ender shook his head. "I don't know. I don't know if I want to come back to this. What would be my reason for coming back to something like this, where I'm manipulated and lied to? Where I'm used like a ragdoll to-?"

I don't know what came over me. I was either very desperate for him to come back to me or I was running low on emotional control thanks to that battle, but I needed him to know. I threw my arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his lips, leaning myself against him and relishing in the feel of his lips against mine. After all, I needed to make it last in case this was the last kiss I ever got from him.

Finally, I pulled away and looked up at him, fresh tears in my eyes. "Come back for me." I ordered, my voice low in case it cracked.

"Petra," Ender took my chin in his hand and wiped away the tears. "I promise to return, not just for Valentine, but for you too. But by then, you could have moved on…"

"I don't care how long it takes." I whispered. "I'll save myself for you."

Ender nodded and moved into the shuttle, taking the queen egg with him. I watched the small ship fly off into space and felt my heart break.

He was gone.

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**_The whole thought of Petra being in love with Ender came from my best friend. Honestly, if I had my way, you guys know that she would be with someone else. Now, go ahead and review. By the way, I have no knowledge of the military so don't flame me for the way the awarding ceremony was portrayed. _**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Alright, I forgot, so let me do this.  
_**

**_I don't own Ender's Game._**

**_That said, here's the next chapter. I finished it about the same time I finished the first one, but I thought that was letting you guys read it too fast. Well, now I'm paranoid, so go ahead and read it now, kay?  
_**

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_**Petra's POV**_

I turned from the deployment deck and began my trek back to the bunk room for Dragon Army.I sighed at the knowledge that I would have to tell the boys that Ender was... that he left. Heading through the hallways of the ship, I strode in the direction of the Dragon Army dorms.

Nearly to the Dragon bunk room, I stopped to examine a scent in the air. It smelled like smoke, but the fire alarm hadn't sounded which meant that it wasn't an actual fire. But if it wasn't a fire, what could be burning. Shaking my head to clear it, I took a deep breath and continued to the dorm clearing my throat as I entered.

All of the boys turned to stare at me as I came in. I discovered what the source of the smoke in the air was. Bernard and Bean were both holding lighters and on the floor of the room, there was a smoldering pile. They must have been burning the badges they received.

"Yours too?" Bean asked.

I nodded to him and removed my medal, starting to hand it over. Then, I paused and stared at it. It was the only thing I had left from Ender. Aside from the memories of our training and free time hangouts, this medal was all I had to remember him by. As vile as the thing it represented was, it also represented our time together and I couldn't give that up. Sighing, I returned it to my neck and tucked it under my jacket, shaking my head.

Bernard glared at me with hatred. He probably thought I enjoyed having the medal, enjoyed having a heavier weight on my shoulders and around my neck. My weight was bigger than his. I'm the one who shot the MD, so I _do_ have a heavier weight than he does. Alai and Bean shrugged and turned to watch the badges continue smoldering. Dink stared at me in suspicious confusion but I simply shook my head, remembering the badge in my hand at that moment. Taking a deep breath, I moved into the center of their little circle and glanced around at them all.

"Looks like I'm commander now." I said quietly, showing them the commander's badge.

"Where's Ender?" Bean asked, worry filling his eyes.

"He… he left." I kept my head low so they couldn't see the tears, but I felt three hands on my shoulders. I glanced up to see Dink, Bean and Alai giving me sad looks and I simply shook my head. I knew they knew about my feelings for Ender. As often as I woke up sweating in bed and calling out his name during our training to fly the ships, it's almost a wonder they haven't spoken to me about it.

"Is he going to come back?" Alai inquired gently.

"I don't know." I could feel energy building in my throat and I refused to let them see me vulnerable. I needed to find a place to scream in peace.

As if he were reading my mind—or my body language—Dink took his hand off my shoulder and said, "You should head to the commander's exercise room. They have punching bags and lifting weights for the commanders to use in their off time. All ya gotta do is hold up the badge and let the computer scan your eye. It should automatically read Ender's fingerprints and know that he passed the candle to you."

"Thank you, Dink." I nodded to them all and turned on my heel, striding from the bunk room.

_**Bean's POV**_

"So, Ender's gone?" Alai murmured, looking around at all of us. I nodded my head, my mind working through the different reasons Ender would be gone and why he wouldn't be back for a while.

"Do you think he quit after that stunt Rackham and Graff pulled?" Dink wondered aloud.

"No." I replied, raising my head to gaze at them all. "He wouldn't do that to us, to Petra. He's up to something. He's got some sort of plan to go against the colonel, but because of the importance of secrecy, he may have had to leave quickly."

"But what could he be up to?" Bernard sighed, finally speaking up. The news had even managed to hit him hard. He was usually impenetrable, even toward Ender, but after finding out that we all just killed countless men and women as well as an entire alien planet, even he couldn't just shrug that off.

"I don't know." I responded with a shake of my head. "But whatever it is, we need to make sure to keep Petra stable for him. We can't have her broken and in pieces when he comes back."

"That's why I told her to go to the commanders' training center." Dink told me. "She looked like she was going to break down and I knew she wouldn't want to do that in front of us. The training center is soundproof so if she decides to scream her lungs out, she can do it without anyone else hearing."

"But they'll be able to see it." Alai muttered. "The training center has a huge window that none of the people going in can see. It's to stop commanders from engaging with each other just because of the privacy."

"Either way, no one is stupid enough to call her on it." Dink moved over to his own bunk and sat down with a heavy sigh.

I stared around at all of the remaining components of Dragon Army, realizing that we weren't the same anymore. In the beginning, we were all ready to be part of the war. We were ready to take on the Formics and keep them from coming back to earth. Alai was the peaceful hopeful one, Bernard was the goofy one that shrugged everything off, Dink was the voice of reason, Petra was the calm cool-headed one that kept us together and I was just along for the ride doing whatever was needed of me. Now, we had all changed. The brightness was gone from Alai's eyes, Bernard was quiet and subdued, Dink looked ready to give up and go back home, I was ready to give up and head back to earth just so I could get away from this place and Petra… I don't think she'll ever be the same again.

Ender had better hurry up and get back. We needed him more than he knew.

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**_How was it? Once again, not caring whether you think I'm making her too soft. My best friend, who believes Petra is suck a badass piece of soldier awesomeness (I believe it too) agrees that any girl in this sort of situation would want to scream and cry. It's too much at once, so review and tell me if you agree or disagree or just don't care and want me to keep writing or whatever else is on your mind. _**


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